Just a Line on Paper

I participate on several different cancer-related forums. I don't go seeking support for myself, but I do try to add hope, comfort and/or information to others who go the sites, especially for those who are newly diagnosed with cancer. I well remember how mind-boggling it was to get the news that I had cancer. If I can make it even a little easier on others facing that news, then I want to do so.

I find that, even though I don't know most of the people personally who participate on the boards, I care for many of them deeply. When one gets bad test results or is having a difficult time with treatments, it hurts me. If we learn that a regular contributor has passed away, I shed tears. And, on the flip side, when someone posts that they are now NED (no evidence of disease) or got into a coveted clinical trial or had scans showing stable tumors, my heart sings. It brightens my day.

Chances are good that I will never meet the vast majority of people who participate on the forums. We live all over the world. Many of us are as different as night and day. Our one commonality is that we (or a loved one) have cancer.

Someone wrote today that she was nothing more than "a line of type" to me. Indeed, we have little in common and she is definitely not one of my favorite forum participants. I find her a know-it-all and a very rude individual who says (types) hurtful comments to people nearly every single day. I think she's trying to be funny most of the time. But, that's not how it comes across to many of us.

I've often thought that she has very thick skin because people often disagree with her. Or, worse yet, they just ignore her.  That's what I usually try to do.

But, this blog entry is not about her ... it is about the comment she made about just being "a line of type." I disagree vehemently with that statement.

We may or may not know one another's names, but we actually know a lot about those of us who participate regularly. We know which forum members share similar values and which ones don't. We know who is in remission and who is in the fight of their lives. We know many inner thoughts that would likely not be shared if we were face to face. It feels safe to share what we really think and feel when we can't see one another and we are known by a screen name only.

I might not know you physically, but I know you emotionally and psychologically. And, in my opinion, that is who you are. Not what you look like on the outside, but who you are on the inside, when you think nobody knows you.

I have a very, very good friend. We have been friends since 1999. We have gone through her getting a divorce, our kids getting married, having babies, and in some cases, getting divorced. We've gone through my cancer diagnosis and treatment. I know things about her and her family that her very best friend doesn't know. Because I am safe. We have never met. We have never spoken on the phone. And yet, if I really needed her, I feel that I could go to her and she would be there for me. I know I would be for her. In fact, we HAVE been there for one another. We've shared joys, tears, sorrows, and laughter. We've shared life with one another.

So, there is great fallacy when one thinks they are but "a line of type." You're kidding yourself if you think the people on the other end of your posts don't know who you are. If that were true, online support groups and even Facebook and other social media would not work.

In my opinion, this is important to remember. Adults bully the same as children do. And, it is wrong, regardless of who does it. There is a live person reading comments made on forums or other social media. Some of them are in very vulnerable places, especially if they were recently diagnosed with cancer or how just learned that their cancer has returned or that it is no longer treatable.

Read and reread before posting something. Think about what you wrote. Will it help the person to whom it was written? Will they have to wonder what you meant by  what you said?

None of us is just "a line of type." Don't treat one another as if that was the case.

It is Bluebonnet Time in Texas

Spring is always a hopeful time. The grass turns green, flowers begin blooming,  and the trees bud. Bees begin spreading pollen. And, yuck, around here, the mosquitoes show up, too. We have some monsters out there this year.

I don't always look forward to spring. The reason isn't because I don't love the season itself, because I do. But I hate what it foreshadows. Summer. Summer in Dallas, TX can be brutal. I dread it every year, from the time it leaves until it comes again! We have had a lot of unseasonably "warm" weather already this year. I hope and pray it is not preparing us for months of 100+ degree days.

But, one thing I do always anticipate about spring is bluebonnet time! Bluebonnets around here are mostly the Lupinus texensis, though there are many species of the genus Lupinus and many of them may be found growing in Texas during March and April.

Bluebonnets are the State flower of Texas. We Texans take them very seriously!!! There are myths that are perpetuated annually that it is against the law to even pick one of the lovely blue flowers.

It is a Texas tradition to take the kids (two- and four-legged) out to the fields where the lovely blue flowers grow wild for pictures. You will usually find me out there when the first flower pops up and many more times until they disappear for another year.

April 2013

I came across some pictures that my husband took of my two dogs and me out in the bluebonnets back in March 2013. I had recently been diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer and my prognosis was very bad. When we went to the bluebonnet patch, neither of us had much hope that I would be alive to see another bluebonnet season.

Cotton was exploring while Barney was doing what Mom asked!

These two dogs have brought me such great joy - then and now!

Let's get a "perfect" picture!

This is a picture of pure happiness!

I am sad to say that the field where these bluebonnets were no longer turns blue in March and April. I am not sure why. I do know that it is getting harder and harder to find nice spots to take pictures. Maybe the property owners don't want the liability. These fields of blue draw hundreds of people every year.

Ladybird Johnson, as part of the Highway Beautification Act, encouraged the planting of bluebonnets and other native plants along Texas highways after she left the White House. As you drive from Dallas to Austin or Houston, you'll see many bluebonnets alongside the highway. But, these places are not safe enough for me to take my dogs for pictures. They are too likely to break their stays and take a run in the open fields. And, they have no sense that cars are dangerous... (Ha! Cars are just a way to take them from one fun activity to the next!!)

April 2016

The first place we went was to a school stadium parking lot. The bluebonnets seemed to have popped up there before they became prolific elsewhere. So, I managed to get early bluebonnet pictures, but nothing I was proud of. I thought I waited to go until the sun was in a spot where it wouldn't cause shadows and squinty eyes, but I was wrong! Way wrong.

The patches were relatively small, too. But, the good news is that they were behind a fence. I was really glad, because Cotton almost always takes off in a mad dash the opposite direction as where I am. And, Barney always follows her. Both of them run at full speed.

Barney can't keep his eyes open - sun is too bright.

Sun in your eyes, Cotton?!

See what I mean about them taking off and running? They ran to the far end of the fence.
I held my breath, praying that there wasn't a hole where they could get out.

This patch wasn't desirable, except for the fact that it had a fence and a few blue flowers. I wasn't sure I was going to capture "the bluebonnet picture of the season" here, though.

I was fortunate that a friend shared where she goes to take her bluebonnet pictures. I think it is another Texas tradition to keep mum about the really beautiful patches you find. That keeps them really nice because rude people don't trample all of the flowers down.

You wouldn't believe how much disregard people have for these beautiful flower patches. They bring blankets that they lay down right in the middle of a patch. Or they bring wagons or they encourage their children to run with abandon through the fields. It is true that it makes a lovely picture for them. But, it destroys large patches of flowers for all of those who come behind them for pictures. It also kills the flowers so they are not able to go to seed. Next year, the patch will be smaller because fewer flowers left behind their seeds for next year.

But, this story is about finding beautiful spots where I can take pictures of my dogs with the bluebonnets.

Cotton, Barney and I headed out to the park where we were told the bluebonnets were out. The park is somewhat out of the way and apparently not well known. Both of these attributes are good!

On our first trip, I managed once more to go when the sun was in the dogs' eyes. Not only that, because we have been homebodies for the last few weeks, they were very excited to be out and about. Posing for picture after picture is not their idea of a good time! Barney was very cooperative, but Cotton was on a tear. She just wanted to go, go, go and have fun.

I admit I was pretty frustrated with the whole trip except that I now knew a nice place to go to take the dogs for pictures. And, I vowed I would get up early and take them out before the sun was going to be a problem.

So, we headed out the next day, this time around 7:30 AM. Turns out we didn't need to leave so early as it was cloudy all day, but it got me out of bed and on the road so it's all good!

Never one to stay on the beaten path, my dogs and I found some nearly undisturbed patches of blue for pictures!! We had a great day. Cotton was cooperative and so was Barney. We were away from where other people might walk by (my dogs tend to be reactive toward other dogs and want to run and greet other people).

running and running and running ... they love it!

This dog nearly always has a big smile on her face. Happiest dog ever!

Both dogs must have gotten a little bored with our picture taking. Both did some yawning!

Besides bluebonnets, we saw other pretty flowers. I am fairly non-discriminatory when it comes to enjoying wildflowers (and even not-wildflowers (cultivated flowers, I guess they're called)!

I recently saw someone else's video of a visit to the Arboretum. It included stills and video and I really liked it a lot. I remembered to take a couple of videos while we were taking pictures on Saturday morning so that I could play with putting together my own "integrated" video. It is not fabulous, I know, but here's my first attempt (wish the wind had been blowing the bluebonnets ... but it was a surprisingly still day) ...

I have cancer, Cancer doesn't have me

I wrote the following in response to an article we were discussing on WhatNext. If you want to read the article, you can find it at http://www.curetoday.com/community/bonnie-annis/2016/04/as-a-cancer-survivor-making-the-choice-to-get-busy-living. It is titled, "As a Cancer Survivor, Making the Choice to Get Busy Living"




I have been interviewed several times lately and the interviewer always wants to know how it felt to be told I had stage IV lung cancer with an estimated 4 months to live. I always feel like my answer disappoints them on some level.


My husband and I discussed how we were going to face this as we were driving to my mom's house to break the cancer news. We both agreed that we were going to make it a "no big deal" thing to her.


That's what we did. And, that's how we lived. I never gave up life. There were times during chemo when I gave up a few days while fighting the worst of the side effects, but those days were limited.


My oncologist could not believe that I wanted to know if I could keep playing agility with my dogs, but I never quit. I might have missed a class here or there, but we didn't leave the sport.


Most of my local friends have totally forgotten that I have stage IV lung cancer. I was at church the other day with a friend who told me another cancer survivor was joining us. She gently explained that I might want to curb some of my exuberance for life because this girl has a late stage cancer...


She was so dumbfounded when I reminded her that I do too!!!


As it turns out the girl who joined us is a lot like me. She is a runner and refused to give up her running. The hospital has been attaching all sorts of electrodes to her and a team follows her while she runs. They are monitoring how the exercise impacts her and her cancer. I have not gotten an update on her, but she told us that she expected to be getting a NED diagnosis the following week!!!


I feel like I alienate some people who are fighting cancer (or however a person wants to term it) because I have chosen to live life. I told the interviewer that cancer has made me nearly frantic to keep my calendar full of activities that I love to do. Down days are something I try not to have.


Because I stay so busy doing things I love to do, I forget for long periods of time that I have cancer. I have cancer, it doesn't have me. I hope it never will.

The Fraternity No One Wants to Join

Last week, I attended a regional HOPE Summit that was put on by the LUNGevity Foundation. My (nearly) 86-year-old mom attended with me. After spending a full day of learning and camaraderie with all of us lung cancer survivors and caregivers, Mom made a comment that resonated with me. She said, "It's almost like you are all in a fraternity or a sorority."

Yes. That is so true. We share a commonality that no one wanted and no one asked for and certainly no one sought. And, yet, that monster no one wanted, lung cancer, has brought us together in a way nothing else ever could. And, I think without exception, we are all thrilled to know one another.

Have you thought of that benefit? Do you go places where you meet others with a similar diagnosis?

In so many ways, it takes another person who has been diagnosed with cancer to understand what it is like. People can imagine or think they know, but only someone who has heard those awful words actually, truly know.

I think meeting other people who are surviving cancer helps bring hope to all of us. Maybe it gives just the push someone needs to climb out of depression and to give life another chance. For sure, it means that we can exchange war stories and know that the person hearing them knows just exactly what we are saying, even if our chemo brains make us forget the right words sometimes.

Living Life 

Once we hear those words, "You have cancer," we all seem to react differently. I personally took on living with a vengeance. People laugh when they see my calendar. I keep it full. If there is an open day, I generally come up with something to fill it up. I want to enjoy every single minute of every single day. And, for the most part, I am hugely successful in that endeavor. If I am not laughing and smiling and having fun, I just might be asleep!

I have many friends who accepted the challenge of cancer and vowed to give it a run for its money!! They are strong warriors and usually spend a lot of time advocating on behalf of themselves and everyone else who has been diagnosed with cancer. They are using the time they have to make a difference in their lives, in the lives of other cancer patients, in the lives of everyone who comes into contact with them.

Thank God for these people! I think a lot of us want to give back when our lives have been extended beyond expectations. I wasn't supposed to live more than 4 months. Wow! I have a story of hope to tell and tell it I will!

Or not...

I know other people who learn they have cancer and it seems like a dark cloud descends on them. They lose their energy and their zest for life. It appears that all they think about is their cancer. Sometimes, these are people who are diagnosed with early stage and treatable cancer. Long after their cancer has been obliterated, they are still giving it power over them. They moan, groan and complain because cancer came into their lives. They feel sorry for themselves and shorten their lives by worrying constantly about the fact that they had cancer ... and that it might come back someday.

I always wonder, why? Why give cancer so much power? I get it if you are so sick from chemo and/or radiation or surgery that you can't continue living life. I've been there. I lost days of my life when I was getting chemo. I could do nothing besides curl up on the bed, completely miserable and wondering if I really wanted to continue. But, those days would pass in a bit and once more, life was worth living ... and live it I did!

My own personal perspective is that people who give up the will to live life, who concentrate more on what their new normal means (and what they can no longer do) than on trying to make the best of the time they have, are losing to cancer long before it robs them of life.

Here's the deal. When we dwell on something, it grows bigger and bigger and bigger. It takes on a life of its own. It can begin to consume you. If you're dwelling on living life, then joy and passion are what consume you. But if you concentrate on what you lost, no matter how small or significant that might be, you give up your peace and trade it for worry, fear, sadness, and/or anger ... or maybe all of those.

Blessings

So, I choose to keep my focus on the blessings of cancer. Yes, the blessings of cancer. I joined a fraternity no one wants to be a part of ... but now that I am a member, I am not so sure I would ever want to leave again. What??? Am I crazy????

Well ... maybe. But, here are some of the things that have happened to me as a direct result of having stage IV (yep, terminal) lung cancer:

1. As I noted already, I have made friends that I would have never met if it were not for the fact that I have lung cancer. I wouldn't trade knowing them, not even if it meant I could somehow give away my cancer diagnosis.
2. I am much stronger than I realized I was. It took cancer to teach me just how much strength I have. Some disease is not going to overpower my thoughts, even if it does try to overpower my body. 
3. I have so much more joy than before I was diagnosed with cancer. I guess when I came face to face with the reality that my life could be over in a matter of months, I began to appreciate what's really important in life. People, moments, memories, time. God's handiwork. Every single day, every single hour of every single day, I am thankful for the fact that I am alive and enjoying what God has given me. 
4. One thing cancer has done is rob me of patience. I have no patience with complainers or with people who can't look past their circumstances to find happiness. I remove myself from their midst and that has helped make my life much happier!
5. Not only have I made friends with others who share a cancer diagnosis, I learned who my true friends really are: the ones who didn't just keep on living life without giving me a second thought, but the ones who I know would be there for me the moment I needed them to be. Sadly, for me and for most people who are diagnosed with cancer, I learned that many of the people I thought were good friends really are not. But, the flip side is that I learned who my real friends are. And, that's a very important lesson.
6. I learned how to enjoy life. I never was much of a worrier. I sure am not now. Worry is a time thief. I have no time to share with worry. 
7. Chemo brain has even lent a benefit. Thoughts don't get a very tight handle in my brain. Sometimes, even most of the time, that can be frustrating. But only momentarily. I don't hold onto hurts or wrongs ... I don't just forgive them, I FORGET them. Totally. So, they don't interfere with my pursuit of happiness :)  I don't try to forget them, they just don't stick in my mind! 

Challenge

My challenge to anyone who reads this is for you to begin living life like you might not still be here tomorrow. Because, the truth is, you might not be. A cancer diagnosis brings that fact to the forefront of your mind. But, NONE of us is promised tomorrow (or even the next minute). We need to start living like today might be our last day here. 

What would be important to you if that was the case? Would you still be mad that someone cut you off in the grocery store line or on the highway? Would which new dress to buy be foremost on your mind or perhaps spending time with loved ones would supersede. 

Just think about it. Most of what frustrates us or makes us mad is really small in the grand scheme of this thing we call life. We're giving up blessings every single time we let something rob us of our happiness. Right? Or do you disagree?

Taking a Day Away from Cancer

Do you take a day away from cancer? Where your cancer is not front and foremost in your mind? I do. Actually, I take lots of days like that. It isn't that I ever forget that I have cancer, because I don't. Always, in the back of my mind is the fact that my body is hosting an intruder that could decide to kill me at any given moment. But, while the knowledge is there, I refuse to dwell on such thoughts.

I have a philosophy about cancer. I figure that if I don't let it rob me of my life while I'm still alive, then I win and it loses. I might someday "lose my battle against cancer," but I'm going to win all of the little skirmishes along the way!! I won't give it any more of my time on this earth than I absolutely must.

I keep my calendar pretty full of activities that I want to do. Unfortunately, some tasks that I need to do, but don't want to do, do not make it to the calendar. Things like cleaning house. Or cooking meals... I wish I had enough money to hire a maid and a cook!!

One of the things I love to do most is go to the Dallas Arboretum and take pictures. I don't know if I will accomplish my goal or not, but I am hoping that I will make it out there at least once every month. I want to document how the garden grows throughout the year.

I have never been that it isn't beautiful. Of course, here in Dallas, our winters are fairly mild usually ... but our summers can be brutal. It is amazing that the master gardeners who keep the arboretum growing are able to keep it gorgeous even when the unrelenting sun beats down and temperatures soar to well over 100 degrees for weeks on end. But, they do!

This month, a friend and I spent about six hours exploring the property. We went places I have never been, but we missed a lot of places that I usually see. I am nearly certain that I could visit the Arboretum every single week and still miss seeing areas. Everywhere you look, there is something worthy of your attention. Have I said it? It is incredible!!

When I arrived home from our visit, I immediately popped my SD card into my computer so that I could begin to download the pictures I took this visit. I knew I must have taken a bunch. For the first time ever, I exhausted the battery to my camera. Sure enough, there were nearly 900 pictures waiting to be transferred!! A few were blurry; a few were basically duplicates; but mostly, they are worth keeping.

Last month, the tulips were in bloom. Everywhere. They were splendid. Absolutely gorgeous. This month, the maples are awesome and the azaleas nearly beyond description. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to capture with my camera just how beautiful the azaleas were. So many colors and in prolific bloom. Somehow, my pictures just do not do them justice. For that, I am very sorry.

Besides the plants, the structures and features of the Arboretum never fail to fascinate me. Most of them I see every time I visit, but they never bore me. And, then there are the birds, the squirrels, and the bugs, particularly lady bugs and bees, that capture my attention. Many of the birds and squirrels are so accustomed to humans that they nearly pose for the camera! Even the bees are so busy collecting pollen that they ignore the fact that I'm sticking a camera lens into their space.

This year, I have documented every visit to the Arboretum with a little video made from some of the stills I took. I'll post the three that I have made so far here, in case anyone wants to watch. I hope some of you will enjoy them as much as I have enjoyed making them!

I saw someone else's video yesterday that I really liked much better than mine, so next month, I will be trying something a little different. If I remember ... gotta love chemo brain. Stay tuned.

At any rate, taking a little time to watch will hopefully take you away from any cares and troubles you might have for just a brief moment. God's magnificence shows in every picture.

(I actually didn't decide to document every month of the year until it was too late to go to the Arboretum in January. I did the next best thing and visited very early on in February!)

February 3, 2016

The trees are still mostly bare, though some are beginning to bud, despite the fact that it is still wintertime. Our weather doesn't support the calendar month! It has been unseasonably warm the entire season. That doesn't bode well for us, I am afraid, when summer hits. 

Despite the fact that many of the trees had no leaves, there were plenty of pansies, daffodils, and roses to lend color to the gardens. And, you can tell that it won't be long before the beds will be aburst in color.

March 2, 2016

The tulips were phenomenal. At every turn, you wondered if it could get any more beautiful. Just amazing!! Among the tulips, daffodils waved and hyacinths spread their sweet perfume. If you don't watch any other video, watch this one!

April 1, 2016

I actually did two videos of the April visit. There is a bit of duplication between the two, but not a lot. I shared the first video on my Facebook page. It is a little longer than the second one ... and it doesn't have as many azalea pictures. I did a second video because I wanted a shorter version to share on WhatNext. When I went through the pictures again, I mostly chose different ones than I used the first time. I should probably make a decision and share only one of the two videos for the April 1st visit, but I will leave it up to you which to watch, if any. (This is what happens when you come home with so many photographs that you simply can't choose which are favorites!!!)

Video 1. It is over 5 minutes long. And has music (which I love). It also will have ads because of the music... There were lots of robins on the grounds this visit. I love robins so I took lots of pictures of them! And, even though most people think of grackles as pests, I like them, so I take their pictures, too! Squirrels fascinate me as do bees, so you'll see plenty of both here. And, oh yeah!! You'll see tulips, pansies and petunias, azaleas, and much more. There are also more of the water features included in this video than in the shorter one (below).

Video 2. No music. And a minute shorter! :) There are more pictures of azaleas here and fewer pictures of birds and squirrels (though, there are some! - the animal lover in me could never leave them out entirely).

Advocate for Yourself

When we are diagnosed with lung cancer, it is almost always a shock. Whether it is caught early or late (the usual case), it is like a fist in the stomach to us - and everyone who loves us. It is important to put on your boxing gloves as soon as you can possibly recover from the shock and start fighting for yourself.

This was made all the more important to me just the other day. I was approached by someone in an online community who wanted to know about the treatment I receive. I have been in a clinical trial for nivolumab or Opdivo, an immunotherapy, for over two years now. Word is getting out about immunotherapy and the hope it offers many of us with late stage lung cancer.

This woman was 61, the mother of a seven-year-old and a six-year-old German shepherd. She had Stage IV lung cancer. She was given one infusion of chemotherapy, which made her very, very sick. Her oncologist told her she was not a candidate for chemo so she needed to just go home, get her affairs in order, and prepare to die.

When I met her online, she had rehomed her dog and was taking her daughter to relatives to live during that week. She had completely followed her doctor's advice. She was simply preparing to die. It broke my heart. And, it made me angry.

Why would an oncologist give up so easily on a patient? And, more to the point, why would a patient give up that quickly?

So, how does a lung cancer survivor best advocate for themselves? Here are some ways that I have personally advocated for myself. Maybe some of them will help you, as well.

• Never take no, or inaction (a form of "no"), as the final answer. Keep fighting. Your life is most important to YOU! Don't give up. If one doctor tells you to give up, find another. Until you take your last breath, keep fighting.

• Research your doctor. What do others say about him? Where was he educated? Is he interested in research? Is he with a private practice or a university hospital?

• Not all treatment facilities are created equally. The US News and World Report publishes a list of best hospitals every year. The National Cancer Institute designates certain hospitals that have been proven to deliver cutting-edge cancer treatments to patients.

• You know your body best. If something doesn't seem right, make sure your doctor knows. And takes it seriously.

• My oncologist, somewhat jokingly, tells people that he works for me. But, in the end, that's the truth. He does. If, at any moment I decide he is not doing an adequate job for me, I can fire him. I have no contract with him. I do not have to continue trusting my life to him if he loses my faith. The same is true for you in your relationship with your doctor(s). If you do not trust them with your life, because they indeed hold your life in their hands, fire them. Find one you trust completely.

• Conduct your own research. Look at respected sites, such as LUNGevity, American Association for Cancer Research, Bonnie Addario Lung Cancer Foundation, American Cancer Society, American Lung Association, Free to Breathe,
  the National Institutes of Health (NIH), etc. Make sure that you can differentiate between someone's opinion and vetted study results. There are lots of people out there who espouse quick cancer cures, but I personally am going to trust my life to clinical trials and to doctors who have invested a great deal of time and money in learning how to treat my cancer. If you are aware of what is out there, you can advocate for yourself. Unfortunately, not every doctor is right on top of what the latest treatments are.

• Join support communities (in-person or online or both). It means a lot to spend some time with others who "have been there, done that." Most of us realize that the general public simply does not understand what it is like to be diagnosed with cancer. I think being diagnosed with lung cancer, the most stigmatized of all cancers, makes the misunderstanding by others even greater.

• One organization I have associated with is LUNGevity. It is dedicated to funding research for lung cancer and to providing HOPE to all lung cancer survivors. If you want to spend time with others who have lung cancer and exude HOPE, get involved with LUNGevity!

• Spend some time spreading the truth among your friends and acquaintances! Unlike what the general public, and unfortunately, even many doctors, believe, lung cancer doesn't just happen to smokers. It doesn't matter if you smoke or don't, are white or black, male or female, young or old, skinny or fat. Lung cancer happens to people with lungs. 

• Try to maintain as normal a life as you can. Eat as healthily as possible. Drink plenty of water. Exercise as much as you are able. I walked my two dogs every day during chemo. Sometimes, I could only manage a couple of blocks, but we got out and walked. Smile, even if you don't feel it. Watch happy movies and laugh. Cancer is an awful disease and none of us want it. But, it doesn't have to consume your every thinking moment. And, it shouldn't.

• Start a binder or a file where you keep important test results and CD's of all of your scans. Make lists of questions you have for your doctor so you don't forget when you get into his or her office. It sometimes also helps to take along a friend of family member to doctor visits. Two sets of ears are nearly always better than just one, especially if you receive some shocking news during the appointment.

It is hard enough to be diagnosed with cancer. But, when you are diagnosed with lung cancer, it is a double whammy. The stigma that associates with lung cancer can make people look down on you or discount the importance of your disease and your fight. 

Keep your head up. Whether or not you smoke or smoked, lung cancer is a formidable foe. And, no one deserves to die from lung cancer; no one deserves to be looked down upon because of lung cancer. Don't be ashamed.

And remember, there is hope. Always, there is HOPE!! 

Happy Birthday, Barney

Six years ago, on February 7th, my boy Barney was born. He came home to live with us on April 1, 2010. He has been a delight since the day he came into my life.

Such a cute little fellow!! Well, I thought so, but not everyone did. My mom came over shortly after I got him. Her first words were something like, "That's the ugliest little dog I think I have ever seen." You decide ...

You're a little fellow ... will you be staying?

Hi Fluffy! Can we be friends?

Can I play with you, Cotton?

He may not have been the most adorable puppy, but he had so much personality! He has always made me laugh.

I fretted over a name for my puppy. I leaned toward Magic. It is a name that would have been appropriate in so many ways - he's been magical for me. But, my husband wasn't impressed with that name. 

Is this a nice "sit?"

Finally, a friend came by and started listing a bunch of name possibilities. When she hit on "Barney," a light came on. My mind went to Barney Fife on the Andy Griffith show ... and my gangly, funny little puppy seemed like a perfect match to that name. So, he became Barney.

This dog has been a perfect match to me. He's a happy soul. If we're lying on the couch, he's right there with me, happy just to be near. If we're going for a walk, he's ready and excited to go. And, if we walk onto the agility field, my little man is an anxious performer.

Just three weeks after I brought him home, our grandchildren came to live with us for several months. On top of my regular responsibilities, I now had a 10-month old, a 3-year-old, and a 7-year-old to raise ... and a little puppy to try to train... When I wasn't at work... Or cooking. Or cleaning... 

He was as happy as could be to have Fluffy the cat, Cotton (his temperamental sister), and the three human children to play with. To this day, he loves it when the children come to visit. But, he didn't get nearly as much attention and training as he would have or that I planned during his earliest months. 

Some dogs might have suffered from that lack of training, but not my Barney. When he was finally able to begin pre-agility classes (after the children returned home), he was a super star. 

He is such a stable boy. Rain, thunder and lightning don't bother him in the least. I can think of little that bothers him, except sharing me with any animal other than his sister.

He was nearly three when I was diagnosed with cancer. We were on a roll in agility when I learned I was sick. This little boy was doing amazing things - he's always been such a steady little partner. The only question I really had for my oncologist after learning I was sick was whether I could continue running agility with my Barney.

We had to quit agility classes because I was either too sick or too exhausted to go. But, we continued to try to go to trials as we could. And, he never let me down. 

Looking back at the spreadsheet where I keep track of our trial experiences, there are only one or two times when I felt like we just didn't connect as a team. For the most part, he gave his all. 

Here are some of his latest runs. I am so proud of where he is. Where we are as a team.

Exercise is said to be good for chemo brain and for fighting cancer. Learning the courses stretches my mind. I love being around all of my friends and their dogs. It brings me great joy. I would be willing to bet that my agility addiction has helped keep me healthy.

But, while agility plays a big part in my life and the lives of my dogs, it isn't everything! Really! It isn't! 

My heart just swells when my boy lays his head on my legs when we're sitting on the couch or when he gets on the back of the couch and hangs his leg over so that it touches me or lays on my chest and sleeps with me there.

My favorite memory of all of my boy is the one where he came and laid on my chest for hours soon after I was diagnosed. Of course it is silly, but I felt like I could feel the tumors being pulled right out of me by his body heat. I was so, so sick, but his love and devotion comforted me more than I can say. 

Happy birthday, precious boy! May we have many, many more together!

What Makes a Strong Person?

I just saw a quote on Facebook:

I've never met a strong person with an easy past.

 I hadn't thought of that, but I agree. Do you?

I think I am a pretty strong person. And, trust me, my past (and even my present) have been anything but easy.

The way I see it, we have two ways we can approach a problem:

1. Face it head-on. Get through it. Get past it. Live.
2. Hide your head. Mope. Complain. Get angry. Flounder. Forever.

I've known people who choose number two. They seem to derive some sort of strange pleasure out of being downtrodden. It at least seems as if they hope everyone will feel sorry for them. 

In years past, I had more patience with those who never look on the bright side of life than I do now. It seems like my cancer diagnosis took away my patience for putting up with people who refuse to be happy.

Because, it is a choice. 

I don't understand why a person wouldn't choose happiness. Others want to be around those who smile and laugh and enjoy life. But, that's not the reason I choose to be happy. For me, if I can't be happy, joyful, hopeful ... then life is really not worth living.

And, that's an important thing to consider.

So many people I come into contact with are living their cancer. Every hour, every day, every week - cancer takes precedence over everything else in their lives. They hurt. They feel sick. They are dying. Their family doesn't want to be around them. The sky is black. The earth is black. Their world is dark. And miserable.

My personal opinion is that if I am just muddling through dark clouds every single day, I am surviving, but I am not living. I have no desire to muddle. I have every desire to live. Really live.

My favorite flowers are yellow. I don't know why, but they always make me really happy. Just seeing them makes me smile. The ones above are growing and blooming in January. When most everything else is dead or dormant, these flowers are flourishing. 

I want to be like these flowers! Overcoming adversity and coming out of it strong!

For me, cancer is part of my life. It is something with which I must coexist. I know that someday it may take my life. But, until it does, it is not going to rob me of the days I have. 

So... a strong person. We've been through fire. We've been tempered. And yes. We come out stronger.

Tonight I was discussing a football player with a friend. His name is Johnny Manziel. Johnny Football. He is a troubled young man who happens to also be a good football player. But, his personal troubles seem to be overriding his football playing, despite the fact that he won the Heisman Trophy a few years ago.

Despite his talents on the football field, his career seems uncertain. Currently, it seems no NFL team is willing to take a gamble on him. He's a powder keg.

And, then there's our Affluence teen. This kid, Ethan Couch, killed several people when he drove drunk. He got off with a slap on the wrist on the defense that he was so rich that he didn't learn right from wrong. You never see a picture of the kid where he is smiling. No, he always has a scowl on his face. A tough thug. The world was his playground, but his personal problems seem nearly insurmountable.  If he doesn't end up in jail or prison, I will be very surprised.

These are people who seem to have everything going for them. And  yet, they are miserable. They are weak. They've not been through the fire. (Though the direction they are headed might lead them to the fire, if they're mentally strong enough to get through it alive.)

When I think of strength, for some reason, a picture of a blacksmith comes to my mind. Bent over an anvil, beating and bending a red-hot piece of iron, forging it into something useful. We, as humans, need to go through the fire to become strong. 

Generally, I don't dwell on the trials and tribulations I've been through. I just try to get through them and come out on the other side, still smiling. 

I won't outline the adversities here that have tempered me into the person I am today. But, I can say that each and every one of them have joined together to make me who I am today. And, I wouldn't trade those experiences, even if I was miserable for awhile as I made my way through them.

Through it all, there is a Bible verse that stays with me. Perhaps it is my favorite. It is certainly one I rely on a lot.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 

This I believe with all of my heart. And it is a promise I rely upon every day of my life. I might not understand the whys, but it doesn't matter. God knows why. That's all I really need to know.

 

Turning Lemons into Lemon PIE!

So ... since I have had cancer, I have developed all kinds of new interests, or spent time trying to perfect (this is a strong word, but I can't think of the one I need ... thanks, Chemo Brain!) skills I already have. One of the new interests is gardening. And, one of the plants I added to my garden last spring was a lemon tree.

I have never tried to grow a fruit tree before, but some of my friends would post annual pictures of their lemon crops. I always wished I had a lemon tree, too. So, finally, in the spring of 2015, I ran across a nice tree at Walmart and brought it home. Its blossoms smelled like heaven.

 It wasn't very long before some of the blossoms fell off. In their place were teeny, tiny little green lemons!! So cute. I couldn't imagine that those tiny little things would actually mature into something edible!

I enjoyed my tree all season long. I took pictures frequently as the blossoms and fruits progressed!

Butterflies and bees loved the blossoms as much as I did!

Close-up of the tiny little lemon!

The scent is like heaven. I think the blossoms are very pretty, too.

Waiting and watching fruit mature is a lesson in patience. I'm not particularly patient, to say the least, so it was a good lesson for me. There was nothing I could do to rush the progress. All I could do was wait, photograph, and watch! The little fruit appeared in April or May. A friend who had lemon trees told me that I would have mature fruit in October or so.

Sure enough! By October, my little fruit had grown into lemons like you find in the grocery store!! I was so excited! I know this must seem odd to people who garden ... but, until last year, I never tried to grow anything. If it wasn't on the grocery shelf, it didn't come to our house.

By November, my little lemon tree was loaded down with big, juicy lemons. And, after waiting for them for so long, I couldn't bring myself to pick them. Any of them.

Lemon trees cannot withstand cold temperatures. In mid-November, I decided I better bring mine into the house. Lemons and all.

You can't tell by the pictures, but the tree is planted in a very large pot. The tree itself was not real tiny when I bought it. Because we had such a lovely (and rainy) spring, it grew by leaps and bounds. Getting it out of the yard and into the house was not an easy task! Especially with fruit hanging off of it!

But, we managed to get it indoors. Every day, I looked at that tree just loaded down with fruit. I kept waiting on the lemons to drop off on their own or to look shriveled and spoiled. But, they didn't. In fact, I think they just kept on getting bigger and bigger!

Once, when my grandkids were here, we picked a couple. We ate one. It was good. We just left the other one on the table until it spoiled... Then, it was used in the disposal to make the house smell citrus-y!

In the end, and over a few months, we picked a few lemons, but we mostly left them on the tree. Finally, yesterday, January 17, 2016, I decided I should pluck the lemons off of the tree. The poor tree was trying to bloom to make more lemons. It wasn't really fair to expect it to flower while still bearing fruit from the last season. Besides, I figured, it would not be nearly as productive if I didn't remove its fruit burden from the previous year first.

Of the lemons I finally plucked, only one was no good. It had rested for too long against a branch of the tree, I think. It got cut up and put down the disposal.

So. Now I have a load of lemons. I don't want them to go bad. But, I'm feeling too tired to really want to do anything with them. (This exhaustion often hits when I need to cook. I don't enjoy cooking. If I had been offered an activity I love to do, my exhaustion would have quickly abated.)

The lemons sat on the table all day. I took pictures of them. And left them sitting.

Before we ate dinner, Robert asked when the lemon pie was going to be ready. My family kept waiting on those lemons to be picked so that we could enjoy some fresh lemon pie. That's probably why I kept leaving them on the tree ... I didn't want to make a lemon pie! That's unnecessary cooking! :)

(I am the worst housekeeper and cook you'll find. I LOVE to be active, but I don't enjoy cooking and I don't enjoy cleaning. And, I try to avoid doing either one as much as I possibly can. I wish it wasn't so, but it just is.)

I started feeling guilty. We all love lemon pie. We've all watched those lemons go from flowers to tiny little green orbs to real, live, big lemons. We've all thought about how good a lemon pie would be made from those home-grown lemons...

BIG SIGH. Okay! I looked up the recipe. Took several tries to find the one that sounded familiar (it has been years since I last made a lemon pie). The recipe I use uses corn starch. Great. I know I have some. But where?

Here I am. Not in the mood to make a pie in the first place. Looking everywhere for the corn starch. It isn't anywhere that I think it should be. But, admittedly, my pantry has become a bit disarrayed. Okay, a lot disarrayed.

I was just about to decide I was going to have to go to the grocery store to get corn starch when I finally found the brand new, unopened box. (It was probably bought in 2012, but it was there waiting on me!)

 I haven't made a pie in a long time. I guess I overbeat the egg whites. We got those little droplets on top of the meringue that you get sometimes. I did beat them until they were REALLY stiff!!! I sort of combined two recipes to make the pie. I started with one that was on my phone and ended with one on the back of the corn starch box. It worked out okay.

Taking that first bite! So exciting!

Yum!!! Pretty good stuff!

Well ... despite my not wanting to make a pie, we sure enjoyed those slices we ate last night. I've been dreaming of having another slice today! It was slightly warm when we finally could wait no longer last night. Today, it should be nice and chilled.

So. There's a lesson here. Of course.

Lemons are awfully sour. Even these Myer lemons that are not supposed to be so sour. Most people don't like to just sit down and eat a lemon the way you do an orange or a banana.

But, with a bit of sugar and a bit of fire added, the lemon becomes a sweet and delectable custard.

Like us. Hopefully. We go through the fire and hopefully we come out a better person as a result. Cancer is a fire, for sure. Do we let it consume us or mold us? The choice is ours.

That brings me to the following...

A good friend posted me yesterday with a link to a sermon she'd been listening to. She said it reminded her of me. I couldn't wait to listen.

Here's the link:
http://www.intouch.org/watch/when-we-dont-understand-why

It is Dr. Charles Stanley preaching a sermon on "When We Don't Understand Why."

We often don't understand why. Why did we lose everything in a fire or a tornado or an earthquake? Why did we get cancer? Or have a heart attack?

WE don't know. But God does. And, for me, that's all I have to know. HE has it under control. My job is to just continue living for as long as I have breath. My job is to turn those lemons into lemon pie!